I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
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Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.