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I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Happy thanksgiving
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
listen closely
the battle rages on