My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
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I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.