Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
You Might Also Like
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
All generalizations are stupid.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.