[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
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[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
I’m tired tomorrow.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
What personal space?
My dog
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?