If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
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I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.