If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
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I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Does it…does it take 3 days
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.