“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
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strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone