Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
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My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
i love modern commerce
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool