All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
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Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?