If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
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[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
$3 #books
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
When life hands you women, make women laid.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents