[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
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Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Oops
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Mission: Impossible
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.