Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
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I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish