I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
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DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.