[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
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(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.