Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
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Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas