Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
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Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.