Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
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[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.