Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
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“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me