Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
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[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction