Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
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Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
🤣could you imagine
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u