DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
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*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!