Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
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Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?