“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
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*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
How animals would run if they were human
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99