The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
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[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off