[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
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hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined