20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
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Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.