“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
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Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
This pepper has seen some shit
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
#NeverForget
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
*mops up wine with cat*
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh