Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
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😆this is so true
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
#gardening
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?