Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
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I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
President The Rock Obama
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.