Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
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Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar