Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
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I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”