I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
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I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.