8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
You Might Also Like
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Green is just blue that someone peed in
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
That time Alicia messaged me
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…