Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
You Might Also Like
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
THIS HEADLINE
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Vodka burrito was a success
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.