I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
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Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Beards are a privilege, not a right
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.