One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
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“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
These work great until they don’t.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.