pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
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Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
what?
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
I was just discussing this with my cat
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking