I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
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I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
grotesque if literal: baby food
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
wow he looks just like him
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]