Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
You Might Also Like
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
I’m sorry…what?
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Somebody’s lying.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
i can’t wait that long
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.