tinder profile where the fish is holding me
You Might Also Like
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Bill is short for Billiam
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT