Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
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It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”