Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
You Might Also Like
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants