Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
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Effort made
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
A woman drives into a bar.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke