Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
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ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
and now we wait
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
IT’S-A ME,
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything