“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
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MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
DOOO EEEET
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Milk Cube
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.