The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
You Might Also Like
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
This is I, Robot all over again
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.