Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
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Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Well, shit
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles