100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
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It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Guy who likes music
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul