Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
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Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Duck typos.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.